Great Rail Wars Battle Report, by Jeff Valent

BEFORE

Billy Blaze looked over at the Swede.  "Are you ready for this dust-up?",
he asked.

"Ya, sure," the Swede replied, as he re-arranged his cards for the fifth
time. "By der way, you gots a bug crawling out of yer eye."

"I don't know if I'll ever get used to this harrowed undead stuff!" Billy
replied as he picked the bug out, set it down and squished it under his
boot. "I see the Doctor hiding over by the other rocks, and our Steamjacks
in the boulder field.  Did the Danites find a good spot to setup?"

"Derned if I know," the Swede replied, "Hellstromme said he didn't want a
repeat of last time.  You know, when they got their butts kicked by those
Ronin?"

"That’s why we’ve got you here, my Swedish hexslinger. To keep Iron Dragon from walking
all over us like they did last time." Billy was just finishing checking the
gears and wheels on 'The Box', their Automaton.  "What about Bayou
Vermillion, Black River, and Union Blue?”

The Swede looked around.  "Well, there's been no sign of Union Blue.
Der Scouts say Black River will be coming in far right, Bayou
from the left, and Iron Dragon looks to be our dancing
partner."

"Crap" mumbled Billy

"I think we're ready for them" the Swede tried to reassure Billy.

"No, I mean crap - I think I stepped in dog poop"


THE BATTLE
KARRACK!  Rocks exploded in the middle of the boulder field where the
Steamjacks were, killing one and knocking another off his feet.  "What der
hell was dat?!" exclaimed the Swede.

"It's that damned Chinese sorcerer.  We need to get them out of there!"
Billy yelled

The Swede gestured with his card deck, casting a hurry up spell on the
Steamjacks.  "That should help them move out."

Farther off to the left, Billy spotted some Black River Buffalo Hunters
moving through the rocks.  "Look out!" he yelled.

Two more Steamjacks were knocked down from the guns.  Suddenly, the Swede
took a bullet and was spun around completely. "Billy!  I'm hit! I tink I'm
dying"

"You're already dead, you idiot!” snarled Billy

"Oh yah, I fergot.  Tanks Billy!"

BOOM! Suddenly both Billy and The Box were thrown off their feet by a
massive explosion.  Billy looked up to see one of the Iron Dragon Pyro
Masters standing there.  "This is gettin' old quick!"


The Doc started running over to their positions to see if he was needed.

While The Box tried to stand back up, Billy and the Swede picked themselves
up and dusted themselves off.  "I have a feeling the Tongs are gonna be
comin' this way in force." Billy said.

"Let me take care of dat" the Swede replied.  Once again he pulled out his
cards, gestured, and almost the whole area where Iron Dragon deployed
turned into a huge morass of quicksand pits.  "Dat oughter slow dem down",
chuckled the Swede.

Meanwhile, Billy looked over to see another Pyromaster launching a rocket
towards the Buffalo Hunters.  "At lease they're keeping each other busy" he
thought. Then, "Uh-oh, I think I just saw a couple of Hangin' Judges
moseyin' over this way.  Swede, where are those damn Danites? "

"I don't know" answered the Swede.  Meanwhile, the Pyromaster up above was
readying for another shot down at them.  Suddenly the Danites burst forth
from their hiding places on the same rock!  Two of them lined up on the
Pyromaster and fired, both hitting him dead-on.  Although he was knocked to
the ground, he still managed to cling to life.  The other three Danites
rushed to the opposite cliff edge, one of them accidentally stepping almost
into one of the quicksand pits.  All three unloaded on the sorcerer
standing directly below.  "Stand still so I kin shoot ya proper!" one of
the Danites yelled.  in spite of the manic gyrations of the sorcerer to try
to dodge the incoming hail of lead, he was hit by two of the three shots,
one taking him in the leg, and the other blasting his arm.  He was down -
for now...

One of the Danites looked across at the rocks below just in time to see
another Pyromaster stepping out to fire a rocket at them.  "Uh-oh boys,
looks like we may have some trouble".  Just at that moment, the sorcerer
took another step, and dropped right into a hidden pit of quicksand.
"Never mind", said the Danite.  Further away, he spotted an Iron Dragon
huckster trying to climb up the hill, but he lost his balance, fell back
down the hill and was also sucked up by the quicksand.  The Danites
prepared for a counter attack by the Ronin...

In the boulder field, two more Steamjacks were put down by gunfire from the
Buffalo Hunters.  "Get over behind this hill!" Billy shouted to the
remaining fighters.  The Doc also heeded his advice and ran for cover.
Meanwhile, The Box continued to stand up.

Off to the right Billy heard some slithering and rattling.  "Oh great,
someone's sending animals at us again!"

"I got it handled" said the Swede.  Another gesture and their whole right
was turned into more quicksand, which quickly swallowed up the four rattlers
moving toward their position.

Up on the hill, one of the Danites rushed the fallen Pyromaster and made
short work of him.  Two of the others ran to the cliff edge and easily put
down the Sawbones cowering there.  The remaining two once again unloaded
into the sorcerer, who had just gotten up.  Once again he was knocked to
the ground.

"Those Hangin' Judges keep gettin' closer" Billy muttered.

"Don't worry, the quicksand will keep dem out of range" the Swede answered.

"I'm going over to help the Danites out with that sorcerer" Billy tossed
back to the Swede as he took off around the side of the hill.

On the hill, the Danites were bracing for the expected rush by the Ronin.
Suddenly a Mad Scientist and a couple of Bayou Vermillion gunmen appeared
on their left.  The Ronin took off after them, being careful not to step in
any of the quicksand.

The sorcerer was up again.  Billy thought quick.  He waved his cards and
cast a spirit coils on the sorcerer.  Ethereal mist seeped up from the
ground and encircled the sorcerer like some giant snake.  He was stuck unless
he could break those bonds.  "Hopefully he'll be dead before then" thought
Billy.  He drew his pistols and fired at the sorcerer.  The sorcerer was
still able to twist around to try to avoid the bullets, something about a
'monkey humping the epileptic elephant' or something like that, Billy
recalled.  The first shot went wide, but the second was dead-on right to
the gizzards.  The sorcerer looked up at Billy, pointed his finger as he
dropped to his knees and spoke.  "Glkk!" he said, then dropped over dead.
"I wish I spoke Chinese" thought Billy

The Danites continued to watch the fight in the quicksand.  One of the
Ronin was actually a Skinwalker.  The other Ronin bypassed him, apparently
intent on putting an end to Papa Natanga, who finally showed his white-painted face.  Two Ronin disappeared in the quicksand, shortly followed by the Skinwalker.  Intent on the battle, they didn't notice the dark green ball of magical energy heading their way.  WHOOMPF!  Two of the Danites were knocked off their feet by a ball of doom.  "Where the hell did that come from?!"
yelled one of them.  "It's that Black River bitch!  She's flying over
the quicksand and popping over the rocks!"  "OK boys, let's just wait for
her to show her face again and blast her"

The Swede tried to climb the rock to aid the Danites with some magical
power, but Swedes were made for skiing, not climbing.  "Oof!  I guess maybe
I'll just sit here instead"

At about that time it seemed by mutual agreement that all parties
involved had had enough.  They would all go home to fight another day.
Billy looked over at the Swede " Well, we only lost three Steamjacks, and Iron
Dragon was wiped out to the last man.  I don't know how Bayou Vermillion or
Black River made out, but I think we were the big winners"

"Ya, dat makes us de big target next time," the Swede replied.

"Crap" muttered Billy.

"Don't worry, we'll just have to be careful" said the Swede.

"No - I mean -crap - I stepped in dog poop again" replied Billy.

"Where is dat damn dog?" the Swede said as they wandered off back to report
to Hellstromme...

BIFF's  Bounty points - GAINED 275
                                             LOST - 24
                                              NET +251